When I got to the hospital that Wednesday morning 4/2/97 I saw that my hospital gown had little birds printed all over it. Synchronicity! I took this to be a very good omen. I mean of all the possible designs that could have been on that gown!
Friends from the bird center had come with me that morning. They all also agreed that the hospital gown fabric was a good omen. But what else would they say to a friend about to have her head drilled open while a stranger played laser tag in her brain!
We then all hugged and said our good-byes as I headed in to get my anesthesia, still completely calm and accepting of the fact that I may be “going home”.
I just remember telling the anesthesiologist that if it looked like I wouldn’t have use of my legs to just crank up the anesthesia because, if I couldn’t ever dance again, I didn’t want this life.
Yes, I’m also a dancer. I have been a Middle Eastern dancer since I was a teenager and was a member of a dance troupe that performed regularly at nursing homes, street fairs and mid-east dance shows.
After my surgery I woke up in ICU. I remember a nurse named Susan and the anesthesiologist squeezing my toes and fingers asking me to blink if I could feel them pinching me. I could and then I quickly seemed to just drift off to sleep again just after hearing the anesthesiologist saying “Whew, I thought we lost her for a moment there”.
The next night I woke up in my own room. I had no idea what time it was. It was still dark, but the door to my room was open and light from the hallway was shining in.
I could feel intense pain. It felt as if my head was going to explode. There was so much pressure in it. I also noticed that I couldn’t move my head without excruciating pain in my neck and head. There was something holding my left eyelid shut, or trying to, though the lid was popping open. It was a piece of tape, which was now irritating the hell out of my eye.
I felt so incredibly weak. My entire face was in pain. I went into a state of panic. My heart began racing as if it was going to jump right out of my chest. I felt sad and disappointed that I hadn’t “gone home”.
Suddenly a female figure, floated from out of the wall in front of me. She became larger and larger as she neared the foot of my bed. She was floating, dressed in a white gown with a light blue robe, and surrounded by a soft golden light. The instant I saw her all my pains and discomforts disappeared.
I remember seeing her “foot forms” hanging out beneath her gown. They were where you would expect to see feet and that shape (no toes or details though), but they were obviously not skin. They were white light. That’s the best description I can find to describe her, although it wasn’t like any kind of light I had ever seen before. I could only see her from the waist down since I couldn’t lift my head or move my eye with the tape on it.
The feeling that overcame me was completely indescribable; total peace, comfort, joy, unconditional love, warmth, ecstasy. I just don’t believe there are words that can describe the feeling she brought with her.
Through all of this I never, ever, thought to question this Being as to who she was. I only know that I was so completely overcome and overwhelmed with the most amazingly loved feeling that I had ever had. She was obviously a Heavenly presence.
She did have something to say to me. It was just as I was wondering why I hadn’t been allowed to “go home”. She said, “You’ll have to take care of your mother”. I thought to myself, “My mother? My dad has a serious heart condition; I just had brain surgery, what the hell’s going to happen to my mom now?” Then this Being repeated her message only much louder and sterner as if yelling it at me “You’ll have to take care of your mother!”
I guess because of that euphoric state I was in, I just thought, “ok”, and never felt scared by her stern warning or even thought to ask how I was going to do this, or if by mother did she mean Mother Earth? This for whatever reason popped into my head.
She then started fading away, getting smaller and smaller as if floating back into the wall. I wanted so badly to go with her. Why did I have to stay behind?
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