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Ask Cyndi: I Don’t Get It Right When the Kids are Around

Hi there,

I do so love your answers and your column has become a favorite read for me. So when this questions kept on popping up I thought I should definitely ask for your take on it :-) .

I consider myself fairly balanced and usually level headed and happy. I’m not afraid to ask the questions (to myself) and explore where I can improve/let go/find further balance. I just don’t seem to get this right when the kids come around. But let me give you some background first.

I’m in a relationship with a man who has 2 kids, aged 7 and 11. I have no kids of my own (although we are trying :-) ) We’ve been together for 3 years now and I get along fabulously with the kids (most of the time) and are also on speaking terms with the mother. So on the surface – no real issues.

Yet, I can’t help but notice how edgy I seem to become when they around. I love them, they sweet and my boyfriend also supports me in disciplining them. (Accept of course that I seem to be the only one that notices how his little girl has him wrapped around her little finger.)

I’m starting to find it disconcerting that everything seems to go smoothly until they visit for the weekend… When they are there my boyfriend and I seem to naturally fall into petty argument mode and generally neither of us seem to get it together unless we make a *real big effort* – which we both thankfully do.

The thing is….the arguments are not about the kids or with the kids (initially anyway)- we just seem to be all out of sorts when they there. This makes me think that there is some underlying issue that I may be missing. (Maybe some old hurts that I haven’t dealt with yet?)

I know feeling out of sorts is an opportunity to heal….do you have any idea where I should be looking? I feel guilty that we always seem to be arguing when they around and my boyfriend must think I hate his kids which is really not the case – especially since I think all the arguments are his fault anyway :-) .

Hope you’ll be able to shed some light.




Hi Madeleine;

I hope no offense will be taken when I let you know that your email created a big smile within me – and even a chuckle or two :-)

Children – whether they are yours or someone elses certainly do give us the opportunity to find our buttons – don’t they?  Children and parents – they are our greatest gifts when it comes to assessing just how awakened we are – and where we still have work to do.

So – before we go any further – I would like to invite you to share a smile with me and to take a moment and pat yourself on the back.  It is obvious that you are doing a great job – and taking the time to feel really good about that – daily – will go a long way towards giving you the distance you need to really disassemble those lingering “buttons” that are showing up as uneasiness and petty disagreements in your space.

The specific causes of the buttons – I am not certain – and nor do I necessarily believe they matter.  Learning why something is a problem is not nearly as important as opening up to living your Highest and Best life in this moment.

So I have a challenge for you – if your up to it   :-)

Instead of insights into the whys and “deep meanings” of this current situation- how about you take the next four weeks and see if you can’t just change the story into something that is much more powerful and enjoyable.

And why not consider doing it easily?

And here’s how….

1) At the end of each day take a few moments to smile, breath fully, and pat yourself on the back.  Acknowledge to yourself that you did a great job that day – that who you are blessed at least one other – and that above all you did the best you could.  Find at least 5 ways you made the world a better place and allow yourself to feel good about it.

2) At the beginning of the day take a moment to smile at yourself in the mirror and set your intention to flow joy  that day.  Dedicate yourself to having the best day ever – and to remain present and open to whatever the day brings.

Now – when you get triggered (ie when you feel an argument coming, or you feel a judgement of someone’s behavior showing up, or that “uneasiness” shows up in any form)….

a) label it – in your head – say something like – “hey look – there it is again”

b) take 3 full relaxing breaths and just notice it

c) ask yourself simply  “would I rather hold on to this or would I rather be happy?”

d) Reassess….

Sometimes you won’t catch the argument before it occurs – and that’s OK.  Once it’s over and you are aware again just….

a) smile and breath…

b) allow yourself to welcome any remaining “charge” surrounding the argument

c) ask yourself  “would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?”

Do this for just 4 weeks.  For four weeks consider making the decision to “be happy”  regardless of how well that little girl works her father, or how much you would like your own children, or how much you think you want anything to be different then it is at the moment.

Just four weeks – and then come back and tell us about your experience

Loving the Journey



About Ask Cyndi

To learn more about me and a little bit about my motivation see…Why Ask Cyndi

The questions that I answer will be published in the ezine and an email will also be sent to the person who asked the question. I initially thought that I wouldn’t use real names in my reply – but the energy wasn’t quite right (I sit in presence with everyone I communicate with)- so unless requested otherwise I will use your first name in the response.

My plan is to publish new questions at least once a week

Please use the comment section at the end of post to share your thoughts on the question and the response. We are a Community that is growing in Love and Light in every moment – and our combined intention for the Highest and Best can and will move mountains :-)

To submit your own question to Ask Cyndi send me an email at cyndi(at)evolutionezine.com. In the response I will use your first name (unless requested otherwise) but your email address will remain confidential

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5 Responses to “Ask Cyndi: I Don’t Get It Right When the Kids are Around”

  1. Barbee says:

    This is exactly what I needed to read today as I am having problems with two of my adult children, and am feeling rather helpless.
    Thank you, Madelein, for asking the question. Thank you, Cyndi, for your answer.
    Have a happy day.

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  2. Monya says:

    Oh how I needed this today! I am having lots of these ‘moments’ with my 9 year old daughter. Some days it feels like I want to pull my hair out. This will help me tremendously, thank you Madelein and Cyndi. Love and Light

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  3. Leila says:

    Good advice Cyndi.

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  4. Madeleine says:


    Thought I’d check in and tell you how I’m doing :-) .

    Cyndi when I read your reply I had tears in my eyes as I realized how long ago I complimented myself on how well I’m doing. I think that perhaps I fell into the “fix me” mode of the self help industry.

    As I said – I accepted your challenge and have for the past couple of weeks been focusing on feeling happy and more importantly acknowledging how far I’ve come and how well I’m doing.

    I was seriously amazed at how strange it felt that first week. Was I that much out of touch with giving myself the thumbs up? It seemed I was…. The universe even gave me an extra week to practice – the kids called at the last minute and asked to move their weekend one out as they wanted to visit their gran-dad. I just smiled and whispered to myself “Madeleine you are doing so well! Really good work! I love you!”

    Of course the kids were an absolute pleasure when they eventually came to visit the next weekend :-) ! And I think my boyfriend was in cahoots with them because he never once started an argument. :-)

    Ah man! I’m so grateful that you reminded me in such a simple way to love me for who I am – right now. The world is truly a reflection of your own thoughts and emotions.

    My new mantra is officially – Madeleine, you are doing so well. I am so proud of you. I love you! I literally walk around all day repeating it whenever I have a chance.

    I don’t feel silly anymore doing it – I feel loved and accepted. And that is making a HUGE difference throughout my life.

    Thanks Cyndi!

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  5. Cyndi says:


    I am so very pleased that you took the challenge – I can feel your joy overflowing.

    And isn’t it wonderful how quickly the joy spreads – from your account not only are you happier – but so is your boyfriend and the kids…

    And just imagine who their happiness is going to spread too

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