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Don’t Fall in Love by Apollo Pampallis

Is it true that you ‘love your spouse’, and cannot imagine being apart? Is it true that there is a fine line between love and hate? To me, that sounds more like fear, which, as Jerry Jampolsky says, is the opposite of love. The proof of that is, how would you react if you found your spouse happier with another partner? Would you be happy for him/her, and welcome the opportunity for both of you to have a more fulfilling relationship which only happens with mutual fulfillment?

Is it true that ‘falling in love’ is what we need to be fulfilled? How long do ‘falling in love’ relationships work, and why is it that we ‘fall’ instead of ‘rise’ in love? Remember, whenever you fall, sooner or later you will hit the ground, and the longer it takes to fall, the more it hurts.

Do you really believe that you can find love in another person? Like people believe that you find contentedness in what they drink, smoke, eat and other addictions? This assumes that love is somewhere ‘out there’. When we ‘find’ it, however, it always appears that ‘something happens to spoil it all’.  Ever wondered why? Hmmm… People not wanting to take personal responsibility will immediately find blame, looking at the ‘faults’ of another and any other excuse. A good one in some countries is that a jealous other put a curse on the relationship. As an aside, the joking anecdote that women complain that the man ‘didn’t change’ (to suit her perceived needs) and that men complain that the woman ‘changed’ often holds true.

Do you really believe you are being honest or fair to yourself or a spouse by taking a solemn oath, ‘before God’, that you will ‘cleave to them, till death do you part?’ Statistics show otherwise, but of course, you are the exception ;-)

Do you believe that you are being ‘faithful’, ‘honest’, ‘good’ or ‘moral’ by sticking to your spouse when you rather wouldn’t? To whom? To your spouse? How can that be if you are not even in integrity with yourself?

Does your spouse not deserve to also be with somebody who wants her/him?

So what is so ‘moral’ about this lose-lose situation?

Do you believe that you should stay in a dysfunctional marriage for the children? (Believe it or not, many more ‘traditional’ people stay in dysfunctional marriages for many strange reasons, including some weird sense of ‘honour’ (yes, its so honourable to suffer being untrue to yourself and everyone else, isn’t it?) to please their parents, for their ‘social position’ and for fear of what ‘others may think/say’ as if they care, and as if their opinion mattered at all.) What are you teaching children by remaining in a dysfunctional marriage, other than providing a most dysfunctional environment in which to shape their young minds, and teaching them by example what kind of relationship to repeat when they grow up?

Worse still, do you think that remaining in a dysfunctional relationship is a ‘loving sacrifice’? A sacrifice is a ‘sacred fee’. Paying in some way for something more worthy. What would that be? Put another way, what difference is that from having a fetish to pay another person to beat you up?

I am not suggesting that intimate relationships are or ‘should’ be without disagreements and arguments from time to time. Provided that there is a willingness on both partners to take, not 50% of the responsibility, but jointly take 100%. However, if this is not the case, and the relationship is dominated by strife, non acceptance and blame, and an unwillingness of one or both partners to take joint responsibility, and when all else fails (rather sooner) seek independent, professional counsel, then it is best to terminate it. Since I divorced my wife (we disagree with each other’s outlook to life) we have been more loving, as we have done away with conflicting and distracting emotional issues.

While I am not promoting prostitution, who is a bigger whore? The woman who hires herself out by the hour, or the person that marries someone for life for similar reasons, i.e. material or social gratification? (who, ‘in the name of ‘love’ , made a ‘good catch’)? The same applies to people who ‘marry into’ corporate jobs, enticed and enslaved by the ‘prestige’, flattery and smart company car, but little if any quality time for themselves or their loved ones, especially their children.

By the same token. Who is the bigger ‘slut’? The one night stander (no, that doesn’t necessarily mean I promote this) or the person who engages in intimate activities out of ‘obligation’, a ‘sense of duty’ or to ‘keep’ someone or a relationship ‘going’, and not out of a genuine and heartfelt desire to share?

What do you know about love? Is it true that you can only love one person? Is it true that love and intimate relationship are exclusive and inseparable concepts? Is it true that ‘love is blind?’ Is it true that you ‘love’ your spouse? Is it true that you can ‘love’ another but not yourself? Is it true that a marriage relationship is more loving by its nature than a non marriage or non partnership relationship? Is it true that you love a person when you marry them, but not when you divorce them? If it has been suggested (and I have experienced this) that a divorce with awareness is many times more loving than most marriages how would you respond? These issues demand far more attention than what can be written in this already oversized article.

Awareness, wisdom and knowledge are all interdependent requisites to joyfully powerful living, and relationship. In this triad, knowledge is the subjective one and could thus be the deceptive one, and therefore needs to be looked at first. While it is the least powerful, it is the most pivotal.

Knowledge is based on ‘facts’. And ‘facts’ have been defined as ‘solidified opinion’. As you can see knowledge is very subjective, and constantly changes in space (local belief systems) and over time. Belief is based on our knowledge. Knowledge that the earth is flat is essential when building a house, but knowledge that it is spherical is essential for an American that wants to go to Australia, or to predict the weather. Thus inappropriate knowledge such as belief systems which we unconsciously carry over from the past no longer serve us here and now.

Especially when the most fundamental concept of Love is misunderstood as something that one gets and gives, rather than our essential nature, once stripped of fear. That is why ‘falling’ in love is the delusion that the object or person on which we reflect is the source of love. That is why it is important that we become dis-illusioned! When we understand that Love comes neither from another or even from ourselves, then we will understand how Love operates through us.

We then have the wisdom to ‘Love with an open heart and an open hand’ The hand is open, not fearfully, tightly clenched on somebody, desperately trying to hold them prisoner, and by the same token not letting anyone else in. If somebody would like to ‘sit in your hand’, they may. If they want to leave, they may. Love is what created relationship, or changes its form, not the other way round. And Love already Is. There is nothing and nobody we need. Whatever we are at any point in time naturally draws its complement (or ‘other half). Whatever intimate relationship (or absence thereof) we find ourselves at any particular point in time is the reflection of that part of us that seeks attention or completion. Stop trying to ‘get’ someone or ‘keep’ someone. Focus rather on Love (cause) than the form/person (effect) you think it should take.

Awareness is to honestly observe yourself and your responses in life generally, with a view not to judging, but taking responsibility and response-ability. Once you understand that, in honesty, you will see how Love is unconditional, but intimate relationships are conditional to a greater or lesser degree, (you are seeking to have your needs of giving and receiving met) and that if you are honest with yourself you will realize that therefore in intimate relationships consciously liking is more important than unconsciously ‘loving’ which is merely a denial of your own needs, fears and insecurities which we all to a greater or lesser degree carry with us. It is only through this realisation that we admit Love, (in the true sense of the word) to flourish through our intimate relationships. Then the benefit is not only to you, your partner and family, but has a ripple effect throughout Creation.

Apollo Pampallis is a Life Mentor and can be contacted on Apollo@discoveringthenow.com. He is establishing new web pages in an exciting new alliance. For ongoing information, upcoming webinars, consultations, ebooks and other news please contact him on the above email

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12 Responses to “Don’t Fall in Love by Apollo Pampallis”

  1. Leila says:

    Hi Apollo, what an article. I like very much your simile of the unclenched hand. I believe these issues take a lot of thought between two people to come to an understanding of. The practicalities of marraige, especially in the past, have taken precedence over these things you are talking about. I don’t know why people spend so much time not talking about these things and experimenting with whether or not their conclusions actually work in reality. I am sure the practicalities of marraige are big ones but these things you are talking about are just as big, if not bigger.

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  2. Manu Costa says:

    I don’t know what marriage have to do with it. I think the “clenched hands” is the main question. I apreciate that, however I think very commited persons can marriage for simple reason they are simple mature to consent to give their “hands” to each other. And more: marriage is a project where love is at the job of work. People in most cases are just giving up. Why not rescue relationships? Why just give up? I think our children would need a stable environment and couples getting old together. To me is natural picture of life. Congrats for you article, anyway.

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  3. Mallo says:

    Possibly the most insightful and mentally awaken feature of what love is and is not. I hope to be ‘in love’ again someday but will be more aware and vigilant of the way it ‘falls’
    Thank you Apollo – fantastic article!
    Much respect – Mallo

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  4. Ana says:

    Hi, first of all I apologise for any mistake in my writing. English is not my native language.
    I must say I do believe that love brings a sense of fulfilment in live and can last very long without “hitting the ground”. We know the process of falling in love, starting in infatuation and ending in attachment. It has been scientifically demonstrated that only few, maybe 10%, keep that sense of infatuation forever. What happen to the other 90% of couples? Some develop a very good friendship and caring relationship together, some can’t manage the relationship and grow apart, some decide to keep the relationship with their dysfunction and others decide to end it.
    My opinion about love is that love is born within us. Once we are capable of loving, we’ll be able to have a loving relationship. We are the only ones responsible of our relationship. But what makes it last?
    If we have or had a dysfunctional relationship we should start examining ourselves. Why we chose that partner? Why we react in some ways? Have you seen those people who divorce then remarry and have very similar problems with the next couple?
    The cases Mr Apollo refers do exist. But also, true and lasting love exists as well. It may depend on our wisdom, knowledge and believes. It’s sad to see that, statistically, failed relationships are more abundant, but that doesn’t make it the rule. In this occidental culture we develop unnecessary intolerance… Most of us don’t know how to be grateful of live… This and more other things bring unhappiness and problematic relationships…
    This article has lots of issues that can be discussed separately. Anyway, I just wanted to state the opposite of the title. Please, DO FALL IN LOVE and why not? Get married! It CAN be great! I’ve been there for 20 years.

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  5. Vinas says:

    I have read the article and thanks a lot for this valuable information.In my opinion I think that if a person feels ready to handle the intimacy let them do it and if one can handle love let them do it too since this matter of love and relationships is mostly determined by one’s own choice depending on the different circumstances and pathways they face and go through in life.so make your decision wisely and be careful not to ‘fall in love’ but to find peace,happiness and growth in love…thank you all

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  6. John says:

    Wow, I think somebody needs a hug…. My wife and I met, fell in love and I asked her to marry me after only six hours,and that was 33 years ago. We couldn’t be happier. We can be together 24/7 and are each others best friend. Being in love and getting married is the greatest thing that ever happened to us and we have had a life together full of adventures. After having four fantastic children and 2 grandchildren we both still look ten years younger than we are, and I’m sure that that is due to the fact of happiness together. Being with the one you LOVE doubles the happiness of all good things and halves the bad ones. Long Live Love.
    Wishing that everyone could be this happy, Luv & Kisses John. BC.

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  7. John says:

    Hi Apollo,
    As people have been saying, what a fantastic article. It’s bang on the money for me right now, due to personal circumstances and a gradual awakening to my true self. The information is contradictory to most peoples beliefs and ideals around love, much like the ideals around selfishness and selflessness, but the more we awaken to the responsibility we have to love ourselves and take 100% responsibility for all our thoughts, words, feelings and actions, the sooner we will be ready to join in ‘love’ with other people.

    Thanks again,

    John.

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  8. Marc says:

    Incredibly wise, well-reasoned, and overall excellent article. Why do half of marriages fail, while the other half generally include two unhappy people? Perhaps it is time to do away with the entire institution altogether. There’s just too much social pressure to “find the one.” Consider this article, for example:

    http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5986&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=686127

    I particularly was intrigued by this quote:

    “One romantic night when things were getting steamy, I gently put on the brakes by mouthing the exact words Pat Allen suggested I use: “Is this an exclusive, committed relationship? And are we headed to marriage? I’m not ready to be with you or anyone else until it is.” It wasn’t a threat, so I didn’t say it that way. It was just the truth.”

    So… you’re not going to meet another person’s needs, until he meets yours? How is that not coercive, or a threat? Sure… you want security, but how about not forcing a level of commitment which the relationship otherwise does not merit?

    I would humbly suggest acting your best, to get the best out of your relationships. Then, if they do not last (as most eventually end), you can part as friends, wishing the other person well on their life journey.

    My $0.02, at any rate…

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  9. Apollo says:

    Hi Marc
    Its all about being sincerely true to the Now.
    Relationships last forever, but its just the nature/form which changes. With awareness the changed form need not be anything less loving…

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  10. Melissa says:

    Hi Apollo,

    I just love what you wrote to Marc. This is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Being love, vibrating love, connecting with Source in all that is, from moment to moment, as this beautiful feeling and energy called love. I felt that when I read what you wrote. In my life I feel that many of my relationships are changing in form and it’s truly challenging at times. Then I remind myself that we’re each on our own journey here, and to keep being love, no matter what, is the real challenge and test of the soul. Thank you for your beautiful words. They resonated deeply within me, right here and now, and I’m grateful. To love…..

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  11. Melissa says:

    I’ll rephrase….I’m in gratitude :) for your beautiful wisdom and for co-creating you into my life experience at this time…..

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  12. Lee-Ann says:

    very insightfull …:D

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