Is it true that you ‘love your spouse’, and cannot imagine being apart? Is it true that there is a fine line between love and hate? To me, that sounds more like fear, which, as Jerry Jampolsky says, is the opposite of love. The proof of that is, how would you react if you found your spouse happier with another partner? Would you be happy for him/her, and welcome the opportunity for both of you to have a more fulfilling relationship which only happens with mutual fulfillment?
Is it true that ‘falling in love’ is what we need to be fulfilled? How long do ‘falling in love’ relationships work, and why is it that we ‘fall’ instead of ‘rise’ in love? Remember, whenever you fall, sooner or later you will hit the ground, and the longer it takes to fall, the more it hurts.
Do you really believe that you can find love in another person? Like people believe that you find contentedness in what they drink, smoke, eat and other addictions? This assumes that love is somewhere ‘out there’. When we ‘find’ it, however, it always appears that ‘something happens to spoil it all’. Ever wondered why? Hmmm… People not wanting to take personal responsibility will immediately find blame, looking at the ‘faults’ of another and any other excuse. A good one in some countries is that a jealous other put a curse on the relationship. As an aside, the joking anecdote that women complain that the man ‘didn’t change’ (to suit her perceived needs) and that men complain that the woman ‘changed’ often holds true.
Do you really believe you are being honest or fair to yourself or a spouse by taking a solemn oath, ‘before God’, that you will ‘cleave to them, till death do you part?’ Statistics show otherwise, but of course, you are the exception
Do you believe that you are being ‘faithful’, ‘honest’, ‘good’ or ‘moral’ by sticking to your spouse when you rather wouldn’t? To whom? To your spouse? How can that be if you are not even in integrity with yourself?
Does your spouse not deserve to also be with somebody who wants her/him?
So what is so ‘moral’ about this lose-lose situation?
Do you believe that you should stay in a dysfunctional marriage for the children? (Believe it or not, many more ‘traditional’ people stay in dysfunctional marriages for many strange reasons, including some weird sense of ‘honour’ (yes, its so honourable to suffer being untrue to yourself and everyone else, isn’t it?) to please their parents, for their ‘social position’ and for fear of what ‘others may think/say’ as if they care, and as if their opinion mattered at all.) What are you teaching children by remaining in a dysfunctional marriage, other than providing a most dysfunctional environment in which to shape their young minds, and teaching them by example what kind of relationship to repeat when they grow up?
Worse still, do you think that remaining in a dysfunctional relationship is a ‘loving sacrifice’? A sacrifice is a ‘sacred fee’. Paying in some way for something more worthy. What would that be? Put another way, what difference is that from having a fetish to pay another person to beat you up?
I am not suggesting that intimate relationships are or ‘should’ be without disagreements and arguments from time to time. Provided that there is a willingness on both partners to take, not 50% of the responsibility, but jointly take 100%. However, if this is not the case, and the relationship is dominated by strife, non acceptance and blame, and an unwillingness of one or both partners to take joint responsibility, and when all else fails (rather sooner) seek independent, professional counsel, then it is best to terminate it. Since I divorced my wife (we disagree with each other’s outlook to life) we have been more loving, as we have done away with conflicting and distracting emotional issues.
While I am not promoting prostitution, who is a bigger whore? The woman who hires herself out by the hour, or the person that marries someone for life for similar reasons, i.e. material or social gratification? (who, ‘in the name of ‘love’ , made a ‘good catch’)? The same applies to people who ‘marry into’ corporate jobs, enticed and enslaved by the ‘prestige’, flattery and smart company car, but little if any quality time for themselves or their loved ones, especially their children.
By the same token. Who is the bigger ‘slut’? The one night stander (no, that doesn’t necessarily mean I promote this) or the person who engages in intimate activities out of ‘obligation’, a ‘sense of duty’ or to ‘keep’ someone or a relationship ‘going’, and not out of a genuine and heartfelt desire to share?
What do you know about love? Is it true that you can only love one person? Is it true that love and intimate relationship are exclusive and inseparable concepts? Is it true that ‘love is blind?’ Is it true that you ‘love’ your spouse? Is it true that you can ‘love’ another but not yourself? Is it true that a marriage relationship is more loving by its nature than a non marriage or non partnership relationship? Is it true that you love a person when you marry them, but not when you divorce them? If it has been suggested (and I have experienced this) that a divorce with awareness is many times more loving than most marriages how would you respond? These issues demand far more attention than what can be written in this already oversized article.
Awareness, wisdom and knowledge are all interdependent requisites to joyfully powerful living, and relationship. In this triad, knowledge is the subjective one and could thus be the deceptive one, and therefore needs to be looked at first. While it is the least powerful, it is the most pivotal.
Knowledge is based on ‘facts’. And ‘facts’ have been defined as ‘solidified opinion’. As you can see knowledge is very subjective, and constantly changes in space (local belief systems) and over time. Belief is based on our knowledge. Knowledge that the earth is flat is essential when building a house, but knowledge that it is spherical is essential for an American that wants to go to Australia, or to predict the weather. Thus inappropriate knowledge such as belief systems which we unconsciously carry over from the past no longer serve us here and now.
Especially when the most fundamental concept of Love is misunderstood as something that one gets and gives, rather than our essential nature, once stripped of fear. That is why ‘falling’ in love is the delusion that the object or person on which we reflect is the source of love. That is why it is important that we become dis-illusioned! When we understand that Love comes neither from another or even from ourselves, then we will understand how Love operates through us.
We then have the wisdom to ‘Love with an open heart and an open hand’ The hand is open, not fearfully, tightly clenched on somebody, desperately trying to hold them prisoner, and by the same token not letting anyone else in. If somebody would like to ‘sit in your hand’, they may. If they want to leave, they may. Love is what created relationship, or changes its form, not the other way round. And Love already Is. There is nothing and nobody we need. Whatever we are at any point in time naturally draws its complement (or ‘other half). Whatever intimate relationship (or absence thereof) we find ourselves at any particular point in time is the reflection of that part of us that seeks attention or completion. Stop trying to ‘get’ someone or ‘keep’ someone. Focus rather on Love (cause) than the form/person (effect) you think it should take.
Awareness is to honestly observe yourself and your responses in life generally, with a view not to judging, but taking responsibility and response-ability. Once you understand that, in honesty, you will see how Love is unconditional, but intimate relationships are conditional to a greater or lesser degree, (you are seeking to have your needs of giving and receiving met) and that if you are honest with yourself you will realize that therefore in intimate relationships consciously liking is more important than unconsciously ‘loving’ which is merely a denial of your own needs, fears and insecurities which we all to a greater or lesser degree carry with us. It is only through this realisation that we admit Love, (in the true sense of the word) to flourish through our intimate relationships. Then the benefit is not only to you, your partner and family, but has a ripple effect throughout Creation.
Apollo Pampallis is a Life Mentor and can be contacted on Apollo@discoveringthenow.com. He is establishing new web pages in an exciting new alliance. For ongoing information, upcoming webinars, consultations, ebooks and other news please contact him on the above email